Somebody Done Touched Me

Thanks to Ms. B I've been touched...

Great.

The rules of the game are:
A). Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog...
B). Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself...
C). Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs...
D). Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Well alright! I'm not sure what else I can even say about myself given I've pretty much summed everything up in my "pieces of me" series but let's see what I can come up with (read: make up).

1. Sometimes I forget to scrub behind my ears. It's gross so I'mma go head and just move on.

2. I used an "outhouse" until I was in the 10th grade. Up until freaking 1991 I was shyt'n and piss'n in a pot and carrying it to the outhouse to dump. *blank effin stare*

3. I don't like lotion. I never lotion my legs/feet unless they are showing. I don't have time. Hmpf.

4. I have never tricked or treated in my life. So I ain't passing out candy. Do not come to my house.

5. My boss sexually harassed me two years ago. Yep sho' did. Guess what I did? I told his old azz he did not want me to go to HR. He done worked here 30+ years and to be booted out cuz I make his dyck jump is so not cute! But that would be his destiny if he didn't leave me the hell alone. LOL! I told him that too. He calmed down immediately and in turn I get to do/say whatever I want. He is tentative like shyt around me now. Life is grand. Do not fuk with me.

6. I mystery shop. Easy money. Need I say more?

7. In 2002 I use to wear a size 26 jeans. No lie. Now I can stuff myself into a 14. And people say Jesus ain't real. LOL!

Ok that's all I got... who am I gonna tag???

Ummm???

Tasha
Cap City
Young Hot in the Tail Teacher
25 Single & Broke
Shai
Jali
GC

They all gonna be like who da hell is Durt and why she taggin me? LOL! *shrug*

Here Comes the Freakin' Bride

Need I Say More?

Durty

Burning Bush

Dayum California. What is really going on?

I'm just sayin'.


Durty

Wanna Know Who's Played?

Men who think.

Men who speak.

Men who breathe.

Thank you. Good night.

Manscaping

*from 40 Year Old Virgin. I loved that dayum movie. Hilarious!*

Male grooming has become all the rage. There are a number of businesses that cater to men only grooming sessions with services from back waxing to manicures and pedicures to full "release" massages. We all know what those are. Uh huh.

"You want me-sage? You want rub? Go in back. Ten dollar hun-nee."

I can't.

So ladies I'm asking yea or nay to manscaping? Does vomit lodge in the back of ya thoat (yea I said thoat LOL) when you see a hairy chest or God forbid a hairy back? What if the hairy chest lead to a hairy stomach that done lapped? (How ignant was that dayum sentence? LOL) Unibrow? Hairy fingers? Hairy toes? What about beady bead pubs? Ok, you know what? I'm feeling green! *gag* I gotta stop and regroup. My lawd.

*cleansing breath*

I'd love for Stunna to get reManstructed. We'd go to the salon, sit side by side in pedi-stations sipping chilled bottled water *complimentary* fussing over glossy magazines. He'd ask if he should get the peach cobbler or vanilla jasmine spa treatment and if parafin wax remedied cracked heels as the brochure promised. No way could he have cracked heels even if he never intended to show his feet to anybody other than me. We'd choose between a shiny top coat or overly buffed nails that glisten like an AB diamond and I'd secretly hate him because my nails would never look as lustrous as his. He'd reassure me, despite my dull and lifeless nails (Too Wong Fu buffered them for a good five minutes I know), that I had the sexiest nail beds he'd ever seen. He'd be heady with pride as he sat with his wet hands and feet drying under the electric blue light examining his newly pushed back cuticles. We'd bond and grow stronger and our love would last because he wouldn't dare leave me after I've exposed him to such a self satisfying gem, would he?

Is my living in vain? I'm just sayin'.

Real Real Random

Sometimes I get on my own dayum nerves. No really, I do. Now all last week I was sitting here adamant about not having a big "Here Comes the Bride...Again" type wedding right? Right. This weekend ask me what I was doing? On the internet looking for fabulous wedding dresses, photogs and venues. A fickled I.don't.know.what.the.hell.I.want mess. One minute I'm saying yes to it all the next I'm like hell nah. *sigh* But anyway. Such is my life.

I saw Why Did I Get Married. Cute movie. I loved all the characters. Blah, blah, blah. I wanted to see the Halle movie but read that the shyt tanked. I think it was ranked #12 or #15 or nother. I'mma still give her my lil $7.00. She can put it towards the baby or something.

I hate taking the train. If ya ass got an uncontrollable cough, why you on public transit? Why can't you sit your infected ass in YOUR personal vehicle and cough till you vomit inhaling and exhaling YOUR own filth? Instead you posted up on the train like you disease free. I.hate.you! Seriously!

Why do folks random dial? If I haven't spoken to you in a year of Sundays, why you calling me like "Hey Mo, what's good? You act like you don't know nobody!" What? I can not stand that. And because I've had the same cell number for freaking ever, bammas continue to call. Case in point I got a call/message on Friday out the blue. "I was thinking about you.." Umm ok. DELETE. I can't be bothered.

This weekend was Howard's homecoming and the World Bank/IMF conference. DC was off the dayum hook. That's why I stayed my boring ass right in Dumfries. I don't like confrontation and them protesters be on some other shyt.

I've been looking for some cute flats for about a month now. How come the round toe flats hurt my feet? It's like the toe part be too short or something and I can't have that. I need comfort people.. comfort!

I've come to realize that I can not define the texture of my natural hair as silky and curly. It just ain't in my DNA. *sigh* I'm walking round with a head fulla thirsty cotton and got dayummit I'm proud. Perms, weaves, gels, spritz, sprays can kiss it. I am Kunta. Give me free!

I called one of my girlfriends that I grew up with on Friday. I haven't spoken to her in a while. I left a message and she didn't call me back. Am I being ignored? I think my feelings are hurt. Who knew I cared so much?

*Yawn* that's all I got people. Have a fantabulous Monday! Holla atcha girl..

Durty.

2nd Time Around

I'm planning to get remarried sometime in the near future. NO! He has not popped the question and presented me with a fabulous ring but that's neither here nor there, I know that it's coming. I got faith the size of a mustard seed. *Shut up*

What is proper etiquette when you fitna say "I DO" for the second and hopefully the last time? Does the fact that your first marriage (read: huge mistake) only lasted 60 odds days determine whether or not to go all out on the second one? I'm just sayin *shrug*.

I can't see myself planning another "church" wedding. It's too time consuming and who really feel like doing that all over again? Not I, although I gotta be honest, planning the first one (read: huge mistake) was stress free and easy. Everything was good except the dayum marriage. Go figure. What a joke!

My soon to be fiance husband said he's cool with whatever I want to do but I feel like it should be all about him. Ya know since I've had my time in the spotlight. I can do without all the bells and whistles. I just want his last name and rights to his benefits (read: life insurance :-) j/k). *sigh* I don't want to pick out a venue, wait to see what their availability is and build my day around that. Nope. Not feeling it. I wanna go to Vegas or on a cruise. Something spontaneous. I don't want any bridesmaids or ringbearers or flowergirls or ushers or any of that stuff. I don't need a buncha dayum flowers (what the hell do they do with all those flowers afterwards anyway??) or a buncha family and friends eating and drinking up all my hard earned money at the open bar. No suh, not on my dime. You only get one free party outta me. You do the math.

What kind of dress do you buy for a Vegas wedding? What's an appropriate color? White? Cream? Red? Black? *crackin up* Finding a dress for a cruise would be easier although I know I don't want the cinderella, ballroom, fairy tale look. *sigh* Definitely not my type of swag. I want to be classy and elegant. Side note: don't you hate when folks be like classy and elegant. I'm like shut up already. Classy and elegant show from the inside out not vice versa. Hmpf! Anywho, I wanna be classy and elegant *lol* but not over the top. What is a girl to do?

Reality says to sit my azz down and wait for him to propose but I don't live in reality so whatev! I am being proactive so that when he does act like he got some got dayum sense (read: propose) we won't have to waste time with the preliminaries. *giggle* I am so smart.

Holla atcha girl

Durty

Freakin' Hilarious!

I absolutely love this woman!

Hard Dick & Tricks

Hard Dick & Tricks Pt.2

Happy Hump Day! Holla atcha girl.

Durty

Even More Pieces

I can not believe it's Friday already. This week has flown by! Well I'm back with even more random, useless info. Enjoy.

126. October 5. High: 90 degrees. The world's ending. Soon.

127. I was never allowed to participate in Halloween as a child. Did it scar me? Not so much. Dressing up and begging for candy never appealed to me anyway. *shrug* Am I passing out candy this year? Doubt it.

128. Kirk Franklin is freakin brilliant. I love his song Imagine Me and that new one he got out (can't think of the name of it). If only I could get pass the image burned in my head of him sitting in a hotel room stroking his jank watching porn on pay per view. (y'all saw his interview on Oprah right?) *sigh*

129. Last year around this time, I was in Egypt. Fukin awesome!

130. I just found out my momma took out a life insurance policy on me when I was a freshman in college (1992) because I started dating this dude that lived in S.E. DC. She said she needed money to pay for my funeral cuz I was living the "fast life" back then. Isn't that something!?! My feelings were hurt for like a day.

131. My grandmomma (she's 82) had never been to an airport until this past Sept when I took her with me to go pick up my sister. Can you imagine that? All ya life and never been to an airport. Nevermind getting on an actual plane! Crazy to me! I don't think my momma's ever been on a plane either!

132. I have a hard time swallowing pills. It freaks me out.

133. I am so amazed by every day things. Have you noticed how most trees especially along the highway are all the same height? Isn't it awesome how babies are made? Blue sky, green grass, brown dirt? Airplanes? I am just amazed.

134. I can not eat fried chicken from Popeyes or KFC. Nope can't do it. It's something about the slimy skin. Ohmigod I'm freakin gagging!

135. I could really do without peanut butter.

136. Who came up with words?

137. It's almost that time...to..start... CROCHETING! YAYYY! If only the weather would friggin cooperate. (see #126) hmpf!

138. If I see one more thing about Brit Brit I swear foe Gawd and all HIS diciplines I am gonna SCREAM! Do I really care about her and her disaster of a life? I got my own disasters! *eye roll*

139. Looks like I'll be donating my shoes to charity. *sigh*

140. I just joined this awesome book club thingy. I never could figure out what to do with all the books I've read. This is great! It's the small thangs people! The small thangs!

141. I am a CNN junkie!

142. HGTV has lost it's thrill. Do we really need another redecorating show? I mean really!

143. I am an introvert.

144. I am so not interested in politics at all. I am not moved by Barrack. I don't care.

145. Went to my first Hooka Bar a few weeks ago. Aside from the tangy pit foreigner that insisted on holding his arms up in front of the fan, it was great!

146. I barely ever drank alcohol. I'm too grown fa that!

147. I can't remember the name of the dude I "went out" with for a few months after my high school graduation. Hmmm. When I do my numbers, I always seem to leave him out. LOL! What was his name? Dayum I hate when that happens!

148. I don't hold any regrets. I AM my experiences. Wouldn't change a thang!

149. I have a timeshare that I don't use. Talk about throwing away money. Just retarded.

150. I am content.

That's all I got. Have a fantastic holiday weekend.

Durty

Letting Go

Status Report: What a difference a day makes! I'm feeling a hellava lot better today. I woke up sleepy *lol* but not as bad as yesterday. I ironed only one outfit. I shat'd so the gas is gone *GLO-RAY* and I've embraced the fact that I look like Esta damn!damn!damn! Rolle *smile* still a hot mess but I'm ok widdit!

Somebody prayed for me.

Now on to today's topic. Over the weekend I cleaned out my shoe closet *sigh*. I am officially

LETTING GO!

I'm not sure if I wanna go through the whole e.bay thang cuz waiting for folks to bid urks me. What is a girl to do? Are there any other venues besides e.bay or good.will? I'm not in the right frame of mind to "give" my precious shoes away especially since they are all practically new *sigh*. Can I just make a dollar..sumthin? Am I asking too much? Dang!

Side note - If you see a pair you like (sizes 8 - 9) lemme know. Maybe we can work out something *wink*. For all you big foot heffas, sorry I can't help you.

Always on the grind,

Durty

Boooo!

I didn't wanna get up this morning I didn't know what to wear I ironed one outfit only to take that off and try on two more outfits that were ugh which made me late for sluggin Nothing fits right I had to drive in all that hellacious traffic I got gas all up in my shoulda blades My back hurts I'm pmsin Aunt Flow bout to make her presence felt I feel unpretty My scalp is sore cuz I can't stop messing with my beady beads This whole going natural thang is some shyt I got a sinus headache I ain't had none in a month of Sundays....

Happy freakin Monday people!

Durty