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I wasn't gonna post about this cuz I for one am sick of talkin' about love and relationships yadda, yadda, yadda. But this is tuggin' at me and I gots to let it out.
I was talking to a (male) friend the other day and of course we got on the topic of relationships and all that good stuff. He's been married twice and the second marriage is on the rocks and will be over in two more years. (He and his soon to be ex wife have decided to stay together in the same household until their son goes off to college..uh huh.. of course I was lookin' at him side-eyed right? Right!)
With all that said..
I asked if he'd get married again. He said yes which totally baffled me cuz I just knew he'd be like nah, he'd had enough. To my surprise, he said he'd definitely get married for the third time but this time he'd pray for the right person. He prayed for wives #1 and #2 but he wasn't specific in his requests (or so he says). God said "write the vision, make it plain". Uh huh..
So, I then asked if he'd consider a long distance relationship and if so how far would he take the commitment. (I know, I know! I am obsessed with hearing folks take on being engaged long distance *eye roll* what-eva!). He said he'd do the long distance thang casually but WOULD NOT take it further. Of course I inquired why.
With a straight face, this fool said "I couldn't do it because I wouldn't be able to see her every day. I wouldn't be able to call her up when I'm horny or just want to feel her. That is too much temptation if she is not readily available to me. Then we'd only see each other three or four times out the month and it definitely depends on the appetite." Yes, he said appetite. Huh? He was for serious too *lol*
So as I sat there biting my tongue, I finally realized that I should be real grateful I'm in a relationship no matter what the challenges cuz we got nigs (he just turned 38) walking round spitting this type of foolery.
I can't and I won't. Can I get some feedback on this one cuz I'm coming up with nothing! Holla at me!
Durty
He was suppose to come between 5:00p and 8:00p. I left work at 2:00 just to make sure I'd be home in time, make sure the place looked nice, everything in order. All I needed was for him to hook me up, provide a service, tell me to have a nice day, simple stuff. I felt anxious at 4:30 because I know how it is. It has happened to me before, I've been here standing at the window watching every car go by wondering if it's him. At 5:30 I'm restless. He's late. It doesn't matter what the window of time is, to me he's late. He's not thinking about me as much as I am him, clearly. It's 5:45.
At 6:00, I call to see where he is. Nobody knows. Nobody can answer my questions. Why is he not here? When will I see him?
At 6:30 I cook dinner. I don't know what else to do. I can only stand at the window and watch for so long. I can't take the disappointment when I see my neighbor's car, the ice cream truck, a boy on a bike passing by. Nobody is thinking about me, nobody has respect for my time. All I needed was for him to show up, let me know that I too am important.
At 7:00 my mind races, my anger grows, my self pity is back. How can he do me like this? Me? What have I done to him? I'm a nice person! All I needed was for him to hook me up. That's it.
At 8:00 I know the deal. No need to continue to hold onto the false hope that I matter in all of this. It doesn't matter how I feel or that I stayed home and waited for him. It just doesn't matter.
At 9:30 I get a phone call.."Ms. Durty, I'm sorry but can we reschedule your high speed internet installation for tomorrow? The technician is stuck on another job and it's already 9:30."
That my friends, is the story of my dayum life!
I had a conversation with someone and the question "do you match underneath your clothes?" came up. Please don't ask! In my head I was like huh? because nope, they don't. I've never been one to fuss or care if my top matched my bottom or vice versa cuz ya see.. not "matchin" is the story of my life! My body = boring up top, party down the bottom (i.e. my top drawer is a mess!) LOL!It would be nice if I could go into a store and buy cute bras and panties but ummm.. that ain't MY reality. For starters, does Vickie S carry extra large? *bastids* Second, I'm kinda cheap.. ok a whole lotta cheap and I refuse to pay $20 for a size 34 bra. Nope, can't do it. I don't care how much it promises to lift and separate. Can it promise to make both my tiddays the same freakin size so I ain't slacking in one cup and spilling out the other? Hmpf, didn't think so!The conversation was lighthearted in the beginning but as soon as I said my shyt ain't match, you could hear a mouse piss on cotton. *sigh* I was scolded. Said that I should be ashamed of myself to be a grown azz woman walkin round looking a hot mess under my clothes. I don't understand the "bigness" of it cuz I do what I want but my question is, do women go out their way to match and/or wear lingerie (cuz I don't do that either) and do men/signig other really care?I need to know what's really good. Holla atcha girl!Durty
Lawd help me hold my mule before I open my mouth and say something I ain't suppose to say or do something that I ain't suppose to do. I'm stressing and crying bout crap that ain't even cute and I'mma need YOU to step in right now and stop this foolishness! I'm begging YOU. Seriously...begging!
Back Story: I am hella sick of my daily log book being overwrought with "he didn't do this", "he didn't do that", "he doesn't understand" blah blah effin blah! How come every time I open my mouth I'm talking about him? Has my life come down to that? Every opinion formed, every thought processed brings me back to him and how he's still not here, he still hasn't found a job, he still hasn't proposed, he still get on my nerves for reasons just stated, he still gets me every time he smiles, he still on my 'he ain't all that list' even though to me he is, he still doesn't totally get me after being friends for so long (18 years actually, bullshyt for real for real!) but hell I don't get me sometimes so he gets a pass on that, he still knows how to say dumb shyt to make me laugh although he is corny as hell, he still makes my blood boil when he calls me his girlfriend!
Woooo-ssahhhhh. *deep cleansing breath*
If I ever come back to this great green earth I swear fo' God He does not see fit to bring me back as an emotional, irrational, over the top, 30 something year old wanna get married but in a long distance relationship with a 25%man/75%woman angry black woman cuz this shyt is played!
Next time just bring me back as a tree. Thanks!
I wasn't gonna blog about this but I just can't help it. I went home this past weekend to visit my folks and this is still the hot topic around town.
Click to read this foolishness.
I was born and raised in this church and my fam still attends. The congregation moved from a "small" brick building to a MEGA million dollar facility last year cuz Rev'ren said he had a vision. Uh huh.. I bet no one knew his vision included choke-holding nappy headed hoes when they stepped outta line. Ha!
So not funny but still..
My granny's position is this. She doesn't understand why he needed to build big that great big church (her words not mine) in the first place. My granny is 82 and from the old school. If it ain't broke don't fix it. She continues to attend every Sunday but you best believe she got her best eye on the Rev'ren cuz to her "something ain't right" and no man should put his hands on a woman no matter who he is or who he work for! Gone granny!
My brother's position is that "the ho" is out to get the Rev'ren's money. Yea, she devised this master plan to take over the church AND all his money. But Rev be up every Sunday begging for money for lights and mortgage and stuff. Wouldn't that mean that the church is in debt? Who'd want that? Mind you bruh hasn't said a thing about the "I'mma choke the shyt outta you" episode. Uh huh..
My momma's position is that the girl comes from a troubled family. Her daddy and momma both been in jail and her baby(s) daddy in jail as we speak. She hangs around young girls and has the "ghetto" mentality. Now this is funny coming from my momma. She doesn't gossip and rarely voices her opinion about anything but I guess she feels the need to protect her pastor.
In the car this past weekend.
Me: "What's the latest with your pastor?"
Momma: "I dunno. The girl had no business cussing at authority."
Word is homegirl cussed at the Rev's wife when she questioned the girl about showing up to work late. So I guess this ticked the Rev off and he couldn't contain himself. *shrug*
Me: "True. But dang."
Momma: "Her family kind of streetish anyway so who knows."
Me: "Yea who knows."
Momma: "It's gonna be thrown out of court. It's nothing but he say/she say. Just something else for folks to talk about."
Me: "Well, we know the devil stays busy."
Momma: "Uh huh".
I was waiting to see if she'd even acknowledge the fact that he yanked her up but she didn't so that was my cue to leave well enough alone. I wasn't gonna get anymore convo out of her about it. I've always said that I have a problem with folk who look up to men of the cloth with stars in their eyes. We can not forget that these people are human too and are not beyond laying the smack down when they deem appropriate. LOL!
It ain't funny cuz I can only imagine the hell Rev'ren goin through but for real for real, be careful who you worship and how you worship!
Be ez. Have a nice day!
I try to be as humble and level-headed as I know how but every 23 to 26 days, something inside of me rears changes. I'm a different person. Everything and nothing bothers me and no matter how hard I try to reign in my emotions, I just can't.
Tears flow for no apparent reason. All sense of reality is lost. Things that I'd normally brush off, stick to me. Things that don't concern me, affect me. I just want to be left alone in fear that someone will ask the question that will ultimately send me over the edge. "What's wrong?"
My moods have gotten progressively worse and I am two steps away from seeking help. Professional help. What I am experiencing can not be deemed as "normal behavior". I know that on some level we all suffer from depression but this is far beyond "some level". This is crazy.
I am crazy.
Am I the only one?
Cuz I don't deserve all these blessings He's given to me! When I think about His goodness and His grace, shoot my feet get'ta tippin, shouldas get'ta rockin cuz Lawd knows...
But..
What do you do when you getting blessed ten fold but it ain't the blessing you've been praying about for the last two years? I'm yet holding on lookin' at God to make a way cuz my resolve ain't what it use to be. Cats I haven't spoken to in years callin' tryna see where I'm at, what I'm doing, who I'm doing, what I wanna do. My first question is why these cats callin' me out the blue? Is God testin' me tryna see what I'm really feelin' like? Does he want to see where I'm at in regards to this particular blessing? Is it even about me? If it ain't about me then what the freak is it about? What I gotta do to make it happen? Huh? Dang!
Then I find myself thinkin' well dang if this ain't happenin' then obviously it ain't for me! Why am I wasting my time? It ain't happenin' cuz it ain't spose to happen right? Why don't I just move on? Walk away!
The devil is a lie and the truth ain't in him!
*huge sigh*
How do you know you're praying for the right thing? God said to be specific in your requests. Ask for what you want! Make it plain! Don't sugacoat it, be real with it! I've been real! I've said what I want! And still today...
NOTHING! No dangling carrot, no steak tied to a stick... NOTHING!
I am in the same position I was drowning in two years ago regarding this one particular thing and just when I think there will be a breakthrough the devils comes in with all his stankin' thinkin' to steal what little joy I have left! The battle ain't mine, I know but this crap is wearing me down!
When will my madness end? And when it ends, will it be in my favor? Life is 99% good but Lord I'm just tryna make 100!
