Pieces of Me, Volume II

Click here to view Pieces of Me, Vol I

26. I hate seafood. I can't stomach the smell or that fishy taste. I can eat some fish but it's gotta be deep fried *lol* otherwise it's a no-go.

27. I'm searching for Maxwell's Embrya cd. When is he gonna come out with another album?

28. Haagen Daaz Pineapple Coconut ice cream. Heavenly! Nothing else needs to be said.

29. I don't have a favorite color but I'm digging turquoise blue right now.

30. Most of the stuff I talk about on here stems from a conversation with Stunna.

31. When I lived in my apt, I put the cable in my ex-husband's name and never paid the final bill. I feel bad about it but I ain't gonna pay it. *shrug*

32. I can not stand when men come up to me and say dumb shyt. "You know I will spoil you!" "Where yo man?" "Why you not smiling?" blah blah effin blah.

33. My son wants to drive my car. Ugggghhhhhh!!!!

34. I have the gift of goodbye. I thank God for this. I give you the deuce and I'm out. Period.
Ask my ex-husband in case you need references.

35. Saying ex-husband is so weird cuz I never got use to saying husband.

36. I met two of my closest friends on the internet back in 1998 and we are still friends. Wow.

37. Red meat gives me heartburn although I heart dubba cheeseburgers from McD's. Life ain't fair.

38. I hate lotioning up. I am ashy as hell under my jeans.

39. My cup(s) runneth over. It's ridayumdiculous. One tit is one size the other is a whole nother story. What gives?

40. I can never buy a suit (blazer & jacket/skirt). I got it from my momma...geesh!

41. I'm feeling real ethnic. I got the bohemian hair thing goin on so now all I wanna do is wear silver jewelry, listen to bob marley and take showers every other day. *shrug* don't know why but hey that's what I'm feeling.

42. I can't wait to visit Senegal. They are some of the prettiest people in the world!

43. I'm wondering why Adam wasn't born but Jesus was??? I'mma need some of you Bible scholars to hook me up with an answer. What is the significance?

44. I haven't been on birth control since 1991 and I have not gotten pregnant once. Wow.

45. I enjoy reading. I especially enjoy reading "white stuff" if you will. I mean don't get me wrong I love black romance but that Zane shyt kilt me. Have y'all seen her? I'll pass.

46. I can listen to Kelly Clarkson and Evanescense *sp* all day.

47. What is the purpose of diet pepsi max?

48. I wonder what I'll look like when I turn 50. I imagine I will look exactly as I do now. *wishful thinkin*

49. I can not stomach BET! Hell Date? Are you kidding me? Baldwin Hills? Yea ok!

50. I love him.

Open Book

Is this you? Is your life an open book? Do you tell the people closest to you everything that you may or may not have going on? Do you purposefully tell them every detail about everything or do you pick and chose what you tell whether it be consciously or subconsciously? Do you even take pause and think before you tell anybody anything no matter how close they are to you? Tell me what you do.

I think before I speak. I do this with every one. Even down to my bestest of bestest. She tells me everything (every detail) or at least I think she does and I enjoy that. But what I enjoy most is that she knows that I don't tell every detail (most time can't remember the time line or in what order shyt happened) and she's ok with that. She knows that I can tell a story in about three sentences. I am NOT a random talker. Nope, that's not me.

I don't know if I'd say I keep secrets or don't tell things because I'm being dishonest or disloyal or any of that. I guess my thing is if you tell everything, what do you have for yourself? If you share everything, what's left? Maybe it was a small piece of the story that I wanted to keep to myself moreso than me hiding it. Does that make sense? I'm a quiet person, some might even say I'm private. *shrug* I dunno, I guess that I am.

So what happens when the people closest to you question if you share everything with them? I mean am I suppose to? Because they're included in my circle means that they are entitled to know everything even when I'm at home laying on the couch wondering how it would feel to be BeYaki (beyonce for those of you who lack humor) for a day? *lol* I mean its random dumb stuff like that that I don't care to share with anybody because it's dumb and unimportant and means absolutely nothing. Am i entitled to share that? I'm just saying.

Just like this blog. Stunna has no idea I have it then he might be dick tracy and know everything about this blog . *shrug* I don't really care, honest I don't but I'm not going out my way to say hey Stun, I got a new blog, come read. Umm nope. Some things I just want to keep to myself. Can I have something just for me? That's all I'm asking.

Do y'all share everything with ya folks or do you keep some things under wraps just because?

Holla atcha girl..

Durty

He Almost Made Me Cuss

You ever met somebody that you honestly tried to like but after it was all said and done you realized that the shipped has sailed and ain't no way in God's name you'd ever consider yourself friends with them? I mean has that ever happened to you? Has someone ever made you reevaluate your entire shit because it took all of that and then some for you not to cuss they ass out? Seriously! When I said that I had to hold my mule this weekend, I mean I had to hold my dayum mule because it was about to be some slow singing flower bringing (ala Biggie circa 1990s) *lol*.

I try very hard not to lose my religion cuz to me folks ain't worth my place in line. I'm tryna get through the pearlies by any/all means necessary. It ain't worth my time or my dignity to tell you how much of an ass you are. I mean I could get some delight out of tellin you you really NOT hot and ya breath smelled like sour garbage but hey, I didn't go there cuz I'm not tryna put you out there like that. But then when folks try to play you and push you somewhere you not even trying to go, it really helps me realize that I do better when I'm by myself LOL!

Durty

Write the Vision, Make it Plain

Oftentimes we are quick to say what we don't want, can't do, won't do, ain't tryna do but I challenge us all to sit down and think about the things we want for ourselves, our families, our friends. Ya'll have heard me say this before, God says to write the vision and make it plain be specific in your requests! and that's just what I'm fit'na do.

I want:
(these are in no specific order and one does not "outrank" the other no matter how big or how small)

to have peace with the things that I can not control/change whether it be my body shape/type *lol* or the fact that time is flying by way too fast.

Stunna to find a job, move here, sell his house, propose, marry me, love me, knock me up.

to go to Las Vegas, in November and stay at the MGM grand.

to beat up my best friend's ex. I will introduce him to my five finger sermon and knock his ass out!

clarity in the things that are confusing to me.

study the Word more.

buy Mom Dukes a house cuz the one she's living in is gangsta leaning for sure. UGH!

live easy and not worry about bills or savings or anything that deals with financial stuff.

See how hard it is to sit down and write out what it is you want. All this crap I just typed seems simple but I promise I'll dig deeper and see what I come up with now it's your turn to write it and make it plain.

Holla at ya girl!

Fryed, Dyed, Laid to tha Sydeeee

One of my biggest pet peeves is when nigs feel it necessary to tell you what you can and can not do to your hair. That, my friends, is something I can.not.will.not tolerate.

Case in point:

Stunna, my current piece, knows better than to vocalize his opinions about my hair because he know that he know that he know I do whateva I want to MY hair. Although he does like this one particular style and I do (I must admit) try to accomodate him as much as possible he still knows the deal. I'm a chameleon when it comes to my do. Sorry, I just am. I had a natural for all of five minutes *lol* and I could tell that he wasn't overjoyed with it BUT he didn't overstep himself and say "I don't like that on you blah blah blah" cuz then I wouldda cut it ALL off and we wouldda been twins. Then what would he have said? Hmpf!

My ex-husband on the other hand HATED braids. So each opportunity I got, I braided my shyt out of spite. Yep sure did. Cuz I'm like how you gone tell me what to do with my hair? What part of the game is that? Get the fuk outta here. I'm how old? Yea, that's what I thought. *thuggish ruggish*

I get so tired of hearing "if I cut my hair, so and so will have a fit. He likes me with long hair!" It doesn't matter that yo azz look blah as hell with that long dead hair. Long hair and no style is not cute on any level. So ladies please stop the madness. For true! And if ya man loves long hair but you not capable of growing yours at the rate he'd like, please don't go get the long, flowy, hollywood barbie, yaki weave. Please don't. I'm begging you. Please.

So my real question is:

To the ladies, does ya S.O. really care what you do or don't do to your hair? Do they recognize/comment when you switch it up?

To the men, do you care what kinda style ya girl is rockin? And if you not feeling it, do you give your honest opinion and tell her that her shyt is ugly/ain't becoming/not attractive/etc.*lol*?

Holla atcha girl

Durty

National Night Out

It's 95 dayum degrees with a heat index of 100+ and it's National Night Out! If anybody thinkin bout doing some dumb shyt in this heat they ass need to be electrocuted. Period. That's my public service announcement! National Night deeessseeee *eye roll*

In case you were wondering. From Google: National Night Out evokes wholesome images of neighbors meeting police over hot dogs and soda pop in the name of fighting crime.

Ummm?? Ok! It's too effin hot to meet anybody and eat anything but for the good of the community I'll mozy on over and grab a dog and diet coke.

Stay cool people! Stay Cool!

Pieces of Me, Volume I

Don't know why I feel like sharing and not that you care but here goes *shrug*:

1. I'd rather walk for an hour in the hot ass sun than drink the recommended 6-8 glasses of water a day.

2. My old blog page was deleted (still don't know why or by whom). My boyfriend doesn't know about this page. Not sure why I'm keeping it a secret.

3. I want to try my hand (head) at dreads but I don't want to go through such a permanent process. I'll just rock the fake ones and see how it feels.

4. My first marriage was a joke although at the time I was like "Why not? Might as well, hmpf!" Nobody will ever understand my logic on THAT one. That's for dayum sure.

5. I'm 33 but feel like life is almost over. I'm not sure what that's all about but at times I am so freaking morbid.

6. I'm obsessed with what happens between life and death. Are you just stuck in limbo praying that you go up and not down??? No, seriously, I wonder.

7. Although long distance relationships suck, I feel more at ease after I've spent time with him. That feeling will last about two days before I'm ranting and raving again about not being able to see him when I want. It got me going in circles... dah dah dah.. round and round I go... be glad when this shyt stops.

8. I tivo TD Jakes every morning. TBN. 7:00. My favorite sermon is "Dying Places".

9. I don't know what I'd do all day at work if it weren't for my fellow bloggers???!!???\

10. I watch The Hills on MTV. New season starts on Monday. Can't wait. I used to watch Dawson's Creek and Felicity back in the day. Great TV.

11. I am so loving that song by Justin Timberlake. I can't think of the name of it but it is fantabulous. It takes me back to the golden days when there were good R&B songs that got you in the mood.

12. I fukin hate Making The Band 4. I got sucked into it this season cuz a cat from my hometown was on there. He got cut and I lost interest. And ALL them dudes ugly including Diddy, so....

13. I saw Lil Richard, Al Green and BB King over the weekend. The concert was great although it was long as hell and Al Green was high. I'd put money on it!

14. I developed allergies/sinuses like last year. How does that just up and happen? Huh? I've been suffering ever since. It's some bullshyt.

15. I'm going to San Fran this weekend. The freaking high will be 65 dayum degrees!?!! It's 100 here in DC today. WTF? How do I possibly pack for that?

16. I want to go see the comedian Earthquake in Miami in Sept. Can anybody put five on that for me? Dayum.

17. Most days I get to work and the first thing out my mouth is, why the fuk am I here? I usually have zero work to do. Zero!

18. I am blessed beyond measure. (see #17 *lol*)

19. Sometimes I think about how I'd be as a celebrity but that does not last too long. There is no way I could be on that type of schedule. I am lazy as hell. Period. Nope, couldn't do it even if the money right.

20. I want to travel to Prague and Greece and Columbia and unheard of places. But who's gonna go with me? I'd travel so much more if I didn't have to coordinate with other folk's schedules. I wanna go when I wanna go! Ugh!

21. Sometimes I wonder how life would be if I was some one totally different.

22. I am so feeling Chrisette Michelle's cd. She is in heavy rotation!

23. I use to be a movie whore. Now, not so much.

24. The summer is almost over and I'm sad. This is my type of weather!

25. I think men and women can be 100% platonic but it's usually up to the woman if that will be the case.

Dear God, It's Me.... Durty

God, I know that You have a wonderful plan and purpose for me. I want to be in "right standing" with You today. Show me your ways and teach me to walk righteously before You. Shine your light in my heart and give me strength and wisdom to pursue the path You have in-store for me. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

My Dogs Be Barkin!

I can't pinpoint the exact day or time when my feet officially said "eff you"! I use to rock high heels, like ALL THE TIME. Now, my feet are not having it! I might can do one or two hours but after that my feet start hollerin Bytch Please! Loud! Nothing is worse than thinkin you cute with ya feet throbbin! Cuz it definitely shows on ya face. Not a good look.

For the past two summers, flip flops and flats have been my closest allies. I have a closet fulla shoes but I refuse to be tippin round DC with my feet hurtin. And you know DC sidewalks are some shyt. They will scar the shyt out your heels (the cracks use to always get me for some reason??!?? *shrug*) I have no idea what I'd wear to da club, God forbid I ever decide to go. Standin round tryna look cute is soooo summer 2005. I can't and I won't. If my outfit can't be cute with my flip flops or flats then *sigh* I don't know what to tell you. Sue me. It's all about comfort now baby! You best believe. I'm already short as hell so I really need heels to give me some height but I refuse to sacrifice my feet just so I can appear to be taller. What? Nope.

I see women on the train all the time in their Sunday's best shoes and all. Where are they goin? It definitely could not be me! I remember I was on the train and a dude tried to holler. First thang out his mouth was "hey, where you on your way to?" I was like huh? work idiot! LOL!!! I keep it gangsta with jeans, tshirt and flip flops/flats. Thank gawd for relaxed dress codes! Geesh!

And if I'mma be completely honest, some of the flats hurt my feet too. *shrug* Either they too tight across the front or they squeeze my baby toe and that's definitely a no go! So I'll just stick with my Old Navy flip flops (they come in every color and they are $2.99) *lol* and rock 'em til my feet be like you givin me grief yo! Then I'll walk around in house shoes cuz I am so not tryna impress anybody walking round with broke down feet!*lol*

Holla atchu girl...

Durty

The Words of 1 Black Man

I wasn't gonna post about this cuz I for one am sick of talkin' about love and relationships yadda, yadda, yadda. But this is tuggin' at me and I gots to let it out.

I was talking to a (male) friend the other day and of course we got on the topic of relationships and all that good stuff. He's been married twice and the second marriage is on the rocks and will be over in two more years. (He and his soon to be ex wife have decided to stay together in the same household until their son goes off to college..uh huh.. of course I was lookin' at him side-eyed right? Right!)

With all that said..

I asked if he'd get married again. He said yes which totally baffled me cuz I just knew he'd be like nah, he'd had enough. To my surprise, he said he'd definitely get married for the third time but this time he'd pray for the right person. He prayed for wives #1 and #2 but he wasn't specific in his requests (or so he says). God said "write the vision, make it plain". Uh huh..

So, I then asked if he'd consider a long distance relationship and if so how far would he take the commitment. (I know, I know! I am obsessed with hearing folks take on being engaged long distance *eye roll* what-eva!). He said he'd do the long distance thang casually but WOULD NOT take it further. Of course I inquired why.

With a straight face, this fool said "I couldn't do it because I wouldn't be able to see her every day. I wouldn't be able to call her up when I'm horny or just want to feel her. That is too much temptation if she is not readily available to me. Then we'd only see each other three or four times out the month and it definitely depends on the appetite." Yes, he said appetite. Huh? He was for serious too *lol*

So as I sat there biting my tongue, I finally realized that I should be real grateful I'm in a relationship no matter what the challenges cuz we got nigs (he just turned 38) walking round spitting this type of foolery.

I can't and I won't. Can I get some feedback on this one cuz I'm coming up with nothing! Holla at me!

Durty

Stood Up

He was suppose to come between 5:00p and 8:00p. I left work at 2:00 just to make sure I'd be home in time, make sure the place looked nice, everything in order. All I needed was for him to hook me up, provide a service, tell me to have a nice day, simple stuff. I felt anxious at 4:30 because I know how it is. It has happened to me before, I've been here standing at the window watching every car go by wondering if it's him. At 5:30 I'm restless. He's late. It doesn't matter what the window of time is, to me he's late. He's not thinking about me as much as I am him, clearly. It's 5:45.

At 6:00, I call to see where he is. Nobody knows. Nobody can answer my questions. Why is he not here? When will I see him?

At 6:30 I cook dinner. I don't know what else to do. I can only stand at the window and watch for so long. I can't take the disappointment when I see my neighbor's car, the ice cream truck, a boy on a bike passing by. Nobody is thinking about me, nobody has respect for my time. All I needed was for him to show up, let me know that I too am important.

At 7:00 my mind races, my anger grows, my self pity is back. How can he do me like this? Me? What have I done to him? I'm a nice person! All I needed was for him to hook me up. That's it.

At 8:00 I know the deal. No need to continue to hold onto the false hope that I matter in all of this. It doesn't matter how I feel or that I stayed home and waited for him. It just doesn't matter.

At 9:30 I get a phone call.."Ms. Durty, I'm sorry but can we reschedule your high speed internet installation for tomorrow? The technician is stuck on another job and it's already 9:30."

That my friends, is the story of my dayum life!

Top Drawer

I had a conversation with someone and the question "do you match underneath your clothes?" came up. Please don't ask! In my head I was like huh? because nope, they don't. I've never been one to fuss or care if my top matched my bottom or vice versa cuz ya see.. not "matchin" is the story of my life! My body = boring up top, party down the bottom (i.e. my top drawer is a mess!) LOL!

It would be nice if I could go into a store and buy cute bras and panties but ummm.. that ain't MY reality. For starters, does Vickie S carry extra large? *bastids* Second, I'm kinda cheap.. ok a whole lotta cheap and I refuse to pay $20 for a size 34 bra. Nope, can't do it. I don't care how much it promises to lift and separate. Can it promise to make both my tiddays the same freakin size so I ain't slacking in one cup and spilling out the other? Hmpf, didn't think so!

The conversation was lighthearted in the beginning but as soon as I said my shyt ain't match, you could hear a mouse piss on cotton. *sigh* I was scolded. Said that I should be ashamed of myself to be a grown azz woman walkin round looking a hot mess under my clothes. I don't understand the "bigness" of it cuz I do what I want but my question is, do women go out their way to match and/or wear lingerie (cuz I don't do that either) and do men/signig other really care?

I need to know what's really good. Holla atcha girl!

Durty

Like A Tree Planted by the Waters...

Lawd help me hold my mule before I open my mouth and say something I ain't suppose to say or do something that I ain't suppose to do. I'm stressing and crying bout crap that ain't even cute and I'mma need YOU to step in right now and stop this foolishness! I'm begging YOU. Seriously...begging!

Back Story: I am hella sick of my daily log book being overwrought with "he didn't do this", "he didn't do that", "he doesn't understand" blah blah effin blah! How come every time I open my mouth I'm talking about him? Has my life come down to that? Every opinion formed, every thought processed brings me back to him and how he's still not here, he still hasn't found a job, he still hasn't proposed, he still get on my nerves for reasons just stated, he still gets me every time he smiles, he still on my 'he ain't all that list' even though to me he is, he still doesn't totally get me after being friends for so long (18 years actually, bullshyt for real for real!) but hell I don't get me sometimes so he gets a pass on that, he still knows how to say dumb shyt to make me laugh although he is corny as hell, he still makes my blood boil when he calls me his girlfriend!

Woooo-ssahhhhh. *deep cleansing breath*

If I ever come back to this great green earth I swear fo' God He does not see fit to bring me back as an emotional, irrational, over the top, 30 something year old wanna get married but in a long distance relationship with a 25%man/75%woman angry black woman cuz this shyt is played!

Next time just bring me back as a tree. Thanks!

I Sho Do Luv My Rev'ren..He Can't Do No Wrong!

I wasn't gonna blog about this but I just can't help it. I went home this past weekend to visit my folks and this is still the hot topic around town.

Click to read this foolishness.

I was born and raised in this church and my fam still attends. The congregation moved from a "small" brick building to a MEGA million dollar facility last year cuz Rev'ren said he had a vision. Uh huh.. I bet no one knew his vision included choke-holding nappy headed hoes when they stepped outta line. Ha!

So not funny but still..

My granny's position is this. She doesn't understand why he needed to build big that great big church (her words not mine) in the first place. My granny is 82 and from the old school. If it ain't broke don't fix it. She continues to attend every Sunday but you best believe she got her best eye on the Rev'ren cuz to her "something ain't right" and no man should put his hands on a woman no matter who he is or who he work for! Gone granny!

My brother's position is that "the ho" is out to get the Rev'ren's money. Yea, she devised this master plan to take over the church AND all his money. But Rev be up every Sunday begging for money for lights and mortgage and stuff. Wouldn't that mean that the church is in debt? Who'd want that? Mind you bruh hasn't said a thing about the "I'mma choke the shyt outta you" episode. Uh huh..

My momma's position is that the girl comes from a troubled family. Her daddy and momma both been in jail and her baby(s) daddy in jail as we speak. She hangs around young girls and has the "ghetto" mentality. Now this is funny coming from my momma. She doesn't gossip and rarely voices her opinion about anything but I guess she feels the need to protect her pastor.

In the car this past weekend.

Me: "What's the latest with your pastor?"

Momma: "I dunno. The girl had no business cussing at authority."

Word is homegirl cussed at the Rev's wife when she questioned the girl about showing up to work late. So I guess this ticked the Rev off and he couldn't contain himself. *shrug*

Me: "True. But dang."

Momma: "Her family kind of streetish anyway so who knows."

Me: "Yea who knows."

Momma: "It's gonna be thrown out of court. It's nothing but he say/she say. Just something else for folks to talk about."

Me: "Well, we know the devil stays busy."

Momma: "Uh huh".

I was waiting to see if she'd even acknowledge the fact that he yanked her up but she didn't so that was my cue to leave well enough alone. I wasn't gonna get anymore convo out of her about it. I've always said that I have a problem with folk who look up to men of the cloth with stars in their eyes. We can not forget that these people are human too and are not beyond laying the smack down when they deem appropriate. LOL!

It ain't funny cuz I can only imagine the hell Rev'ren goin through but for real for real, be careful who you worship and how you worship!

Be ez. Have a nice day!

The Beast Within

I try to be as humble and level-headed as I know how but every 23 to 26 days, something inside of me rears changes. I'm a different person. Everything and nothing bothers me and no matter how hard I try to reign in my emotions, I just can't.

Tears flow for no apparent reason. All sense of reality is lost. Things that I'd normally brush off, stick to me. Things that don't concern me, affect me. I just want to be left alone in fear that someone will ask the question that will ultimately send me over the edge. "What's wrong?"

My moods have gotten progressively worse and I am two steps away from seeking help. Professional help. What I am experiencing can not be deemed as "normal behavior". I know that on some level we all suffer from depression but this is far beyond "some level". This is crazy.


I am crazy.

Am I the only one?

Lawd Knows I Need'Ta Shout and Shut Up!

Cuz I don't deserve all these blessings He's given to me! When I think about His goodness and His grace, shoot my feet get'ta tippin, shouldas get'ta rockin cuz Lawd knows...


But..

What do you do when you getting blessed ten fold but it ain't the blessing you've been praying about for the last two years? I'm yet holding on lookin' at God to make a way cuz my resolve ain't what it use to be. Cats I haven't spoken to in years callin' tryna see where I'm at, what I'm doing, who I'm doing, what I wanna do. My first question is why these cats callin' me out the blue? Is God testin' me tryna see what I'm really feelin' like? Does he want to see where I'm at in regards to this particular blessing? Is it even about me? If it ain't about me then what the freak is it about? What I gotta do to make it happen? Huh? Dang!

Then I find myself thinkin' well dang if this ain't happenin' then obviously it ain't for me! Why am I wasting my time? It ain't happenin' cuz it ain't spose to happen right? Why don't I just move on? Walk away!

The devil is a lie and the truth ain't in him!

*huge sigh*

How do you know you're praying for the right thing? God said to be specific in your requests. Ask for what you want! Make it plain! Don't sugacoat it, be real with it! I've been real! I've said what I want! And still today...

NOTHING! No dangling carrot, no steak tied to a stick... NOTHING!

I am in the same position I was drowning in two years ago regarding this one particular thing and just when I think there will be a breakthrough the devils comes in with all his stankin' thinkin' to steal what little joy I have left! The battle ain't mine, I know but this crap is wearing me down!

When will my madness end? And when it ends, will it be in my favor? Life is 99% good but Lord I'm just tryna make 100!